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| TERA CHEHRA... |
The most memorable part in every man’s life is that small portion or episode in his story wherein he first tasted the fruit of love. And more often than not, it happens at a time when he is least polluted by the bodily love and with impurities like worldly desires, jealousy, greed for money, power etc... far far away from his slightest of thoughts. Well it happens at an age when he is confused between love and infatuation, on the threshold of adolescence. His love ranges from an actress he grew fond of... to his English class teacher who smiles at him and from the girl next door to his best friend since school days. And it is exactly at that point of time that he wishes the world would just freeze, take a nap for a while, time ceases to tick away, and his dream land would include just him and his love...Love makes life beautiful...
My dear readers, just sit back, relax, close your eyes and mind, open your heart and relive all those magical moments once again... Remember that day when you first saw her, remember the first time you dared to confront her, remember that moment when you shyly and fearfully proposed to her and even as you are immersed and lost in her thoughts and me in mine, what stands out in my memory today, from all those wonderful times we had spent together, from all those frames of images that flashes in my mind, is that horrifying day, the 10th of April, 2006...
Sometimes you feel life is mocking at you. How many times have we not come across a situation, where in as we reach the zenith of joy and just as we believe that we would remain so at the peak for eternity, a small nudge and we dive deep into the abyss of dejection. Isn’t life similar to a roller coaster ride??? Hold on a sec... If you are wondering why I am deviating from my focal theme...Here I come... The 10th of April happens to be the day I chose to tread upon this beautiful planet called Earth. It was my birthday. And like anyone else, even my special day started with all the excitement. As the clock struck midnight 12, a black forest cake smeared completely all over my face, my back whacked by my friends in the name of wishes, messages forcing their way onto my mobile and distance calls from near and dear bursting my ears... I couldn’t have asked for anything much better. But as it always happen, my heart was searching for someone special. “Why hasn’t she called me? Not even a message!!! What’s wrong with her?” As I was immersed in these thoughts, the call finally came at 6’o clock in the morning. I was asked to come to the terrace top and she being the girl next door, all she had to do was just jump onto mine. This was how we usually met each other day in and day out for the last... I don’t remember how many years.
But this time it was something special, something quite different from all our other meetings. I was meeting her after a long time. So my heart was about to quench its thirst, having not seen her in what seemed like a century though in human calculations that would only amount to a month. This past one month had been a nightmare for both of us. I guess it requires no special mention as to what generally happens in your life when your parents find out that you had fallen in love, (to make things worse at just 16 years of age!!!) Well that’s precisely what happened to me also. House arrests, unasked advise and philosophy about love and life, loads of examples in history as to how love is just an infatuation...these became the order of the day in my life. But amidst all this chaos, there was still a ray of hope.
I don’t remember the last time she had missed wishing me on my birthday.... (Was it in class 4 that she forgot and we stayed mum for a week in protest...it was me though that broke the mum...she was always the winner...) But little did my heart know that even before it could sip in a few drops of love; it would be derived of its very existence, choking it to death... “Has she chosen this moment, of all to convey that dreadful message? Why is she trying to poke the wound, making it incurable even for the most efficient physician...TIME?” And then we met... The eyes that knew each other for so long suddenly felt unfamiliar. There was an air of discomfort and it was she who finally broke it. But all she said was that it seemed wiser for her to go for a break up, now that it seems to be impossible for us to continue our relationship any longer. I don’t know if she still remembered that it was my birthday, but she was still, composed and emotionless as if she was talking to some stranger that she disliked talking to. “Was she feeling unsecured about her life? Had she yielded to the pressure of her family? Can she ever forget the sacrifices I had made for her sake? How can girls be so selfish?” Anger, frustration and emotions took over my faculties and in a moment of disgust I slammed back at her saying that I would never again see her face in my life and that I would believe that she was the worst thing that happened in my life. With that I stormed back into my house leaving her in what at that time didn’t look like tears at all to my foolish eyes. I thought it was my eyes that were wet. A week later I secured for myself an admission in a college in Bangalore, left our city and had settled down there ever since. “I would never again see her face in my life”... how foolish I was!!!... I remember one moon lit night as we were cuddled into each other’s arms, she asked me... “ can you ever live without me?”... to which I said,“ Is there life without you?”... Then how would it ever be possible at all for me to imagine a day without the thought about her... She was my very being...
Teri yaad aati hai...
“Every time I close my eyes I see you so vividly
That makes me feel time is only ticking away timidly...
Where do I begin my cute little love story?
That for ages now remained with me as a mystery...
O! my love, have you forgotten the promise you once made
Then why have you left our love to dust and fade...
I can’t remember a single night that I haven’t sorely cried
Look into my eyes, you would find those tears that still haven’t dried...
The time we had spent, the happiness we had shared, O! what a pity
Today, they are nothing but mere blips on the canvas of eternity...
My life without you is dark and black
I can stand no more, plzzz come back...”
“The face that greeted me every day, the face that brought smiles to my face no matter what problem I was facing... the face that was ever innocent and child-like... I am missing it. Or maybe I am not actually missing you because...I would miss you only if I start feeling ur absence... but you are like a ghost that never left me...that surrounded my very being... that drew blood from my body but at the same time was the sustenance that kept me going... I know not where you are... I am still dreaming of that day when you would come back to me...i know that you are hurt too... i know that you cried too...but why did you do all this... that you forgot our 15 years of friendship...i am no fool to believe... but what’s that keeping you at bay.. is what i am unaware of... where do I find you again???... I know you wanted to tell me the truth... but at the same time wanted to remain mum... could you not share it with me... did I all of a sudden become a stranger... tell me why???”
Dated: 10th April 2009
My Diary...
This summer, on the 10th of April 2011, I had gone to my native place... the place where I grew up studying, the place that reminds of me of those magical moments that I had spent with my love... I wanted to know what happened of her, fully aware that time had cured me, making me strong enough to face any adversity. I had begun to forget her. She was now just a sweet past to me. But it was my curiosity that brought me there. I went to my old house and sure enough even after seven long years the place hadn’t changed much... I made myself bold enough to go to her house, which as I had mentioned earlier, was just adjacent to ours... I met her parents... they were warm and nice to me which wasn’t quite a surprise to me given the fact that I knew them all through my childhood.... I had literally grown with their daughter in that house... But all through the conversation they had intentionally avoided any conversation that would mention their daughter. Unable to withstand any longer, I finally held the courage to ask what happened of her, what she was doing and all that... What followed next was uneasy silence.. Seeing me getting annoyed, finally her father started speaking. But even as he was to start speaking, he burst into unconsolable sobbing. I was shocked, unaware as to what I must be doing then... what followed then for the next one hour is the most unforgettable conversation that i had in my life...
My dear readers, lemme go back to where I had actually begun this post... the most memorable part in anyone’s life is that first love that he had experienced when he was a kid... and that is because of the pure and selflessness that childhood crushes are all about... I was no exception to it. I always thought that my girl had left me and gone away forgetting all the promises she made. But did I ever think why she had to do it when it would equally pain her too? There lies the crux to the problems that man faces today in his love life. Think about your partner too!!! And that’s precisely what my girl had done for me too... She thought about me and thought only about me...not what the world around her would say, not what her parents would say and she had sacrificed everything and even in her death she ensured that I suffered no pain at all... All through she was suffering from a chronic ailment which had only one cure...her death... So the parents coming to know of our love was all her story... the break up was all her story... the emotionless stoic behavior was all her story... all through she gradually withdrew herself from me... created in me a hatred for her when I should have been loving her for the sacrifices she made. Now everything makes sense... why she was crying when she wanted to break up with me. In my frustration, I had gone away saying, “I would never again see her face in my life”... How I wish I can see her just one more time... say how much I actually loved her... Teri yaad aati hai...
Jab chandani badhkar
Raaton per chaati hai
Teri yaad aise mein
Dil ko tadpati hai
Teri yaad aati hai...
Kisse o bahroon ke
Beete nazaron ke
Phir ga ke sunati hai
Aur humko rulati hai
Teri yaad aati hai...
Itna to batao kya
Yehi chandani jaakar
Koi khwaab jagati hai
Tumko bhi sataati hai
Teri yaad aati hai...
